


Killing the onetime first love

by lora3210



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: ATEEZ - Freeform, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bad Writing, First Love, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Kang Yeosang, Rose - Freeform, Secret Crush, The Author Regrets Everything, at a cafe, jongsang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:28:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27835285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lora3210/pseuds/lora3210
Summary: On the graduation day, I found Jongho's eyes were a little bit bloodshot like he'd just came after crying. I asked him if he really cried. He nodded, saying yes, because he felt really sad to be parted from his friends. "Then, you also feel sad to part with me as I'm one of your friends?" "Yeah, of course."A year later, I noticed it was a total lie.
Relationships: Choi Jongho/Kang Yeosang
Kudos: 16





	Killing the onetime first love

**Author's Note:**

> Quick writing is sooooooooooo hard to do!  
> Enjoy! :)
> 
> \+ Oh I've changed the title and some parts as I really really didn't like what I've written :(  
> Paris Match - Killing You (<https://youtu.be/N-zDuyEPO0w>)

On the graduation day, I found Jongho's eyes were a little bit bloodshot like he'd just came after crying. I asked him if he really cried. He nodded, saying yes, because he felt really sad to be parted from his friends. "Then, you also feel sad to part with me as I'm one of your friends?" "Yeah, of course." 

A year later, I noticed it was a total lie. 

When we met again at a quiet cafe nearby the college I attended, I'd already known that he'd had a crush on me during his high school days, thanks to my old friend, Wooyoung. So, I was going to ask why he didn't confess to me, like talking about daily work such as drying wet laundry. And if possible, I had an intention to be in a relationship with him as I didn't want to make his crush in vain. The love that had been left unnoticed for a long time must have distressed him much like a stubborn, mischievous child.

But my thoughts were nothing but illusions.

I found a silver ring on his ring finger. Jongho, noticing that I was looking at the ring, said, "I have a girlfriend." As the word was too calm, I had to do my best to hide how much I was shocked but was not sure how well I was doing it. "That's good." To say that was like tasting too much bitter medicine. I tried to convince myself, 'You don't need to feel disappointed. It's natural for him to have a girlfriend.'

The more I decided to forget what I'd thought, the heavier my body got. _Does making a decision have originally the power to make somebody feel too tired?_ Sometimes it may so. However, in my case, to forget all my fancies was such an easy thing that everybody could do. _It should have been so._

But I didn't know why I was constantly thinking of taking off his ring. It was such an evident thing as a strong sense of premonition.

He said he came to the cafe, where I was working as a part-timer, to see me again. I wanted to bring out a cup of ice Americano but he told me he had to go out about 20 minutes later to see other friends. As I knew there were several friends of him in the college, I forced a smile on my face, putting up with some inconvenience that made me somewhat sad. _Am I still meaningful to him?_ I hoped so for no specific reason. "But the first one you came up with was me, right?"

"Yeah, of course." The same answer I heard on that day. The absolute, undeniable joy was flowing inside me. "Oh, thanks. That means I, I'm your……."  
"The most intimate friend."

I repeated the last word like a parrot. "Yes, friend. We're friends." I realized how light and transient the word 'friend' could sound.

He was still gentle and funny as he was. His singing still surprised me and his humor still made me laugh. But contrary to when I hadn't known anything about his feelings, the things were having me feel uncomfortable and a little bit anxious just as I had something in my hand that was not mine. My admiration, laughter, and all words from my mouth were not as mine. Those were nothing but parts of my flam from the void I was feeling. While he talking about his girlfriend, I imagined him to be with her. Even I didn't know how she looked, I thought she must be beautiful enough to match with him well. 

"But sometimes we argue with each other. Yesterday we did. I hope she'll feel better when I come back."  
"I hope so."  
"Thanks."

All my answers were false. I hoped nothing. 

The deep sadness shrouded me like a thick blanket. It was hot, too hot to bear. I stood up as if I forgot something, suppressing the tears surging up in my mind. _I must kill this feeling. I am no more than his onetime love._ "Will you take a flower? It's a rule to serve one flower to one guest." 

"But I even didn't buy coffee."  
"It's okay. I'll keep a secret from the owner. Just pick the one you want here."  
"I wonder whether you are good at keeping a secret, Yeosang."  
"You don't know how much I'm good at lying."  
"Well, then..."

After a while, he chose a pink rose. The silver ring glinted for a moment when his one hand picked up the rose. It was like the light stung my inside. But by giving him a flower as a present, I was going to say goodbye to all my negative emotions toward him. "Oh, that's the best-selling item. You have a good eye. It must be hers, right?" 

He shook the head. "No, just for me. I'll keep it as a present."  
"Why?"  
"Because you give me this."  
"Well, I just want you to use it to make your girlfriend happy. There's no one who doesn't like a flower."

Jongho chuckled. "Remember? I have given you a red rose on your birthday. But you said that it would be better to give you an edible thing like a seasoned spicy chicken."  
"Did I?"  
"Yes, when we were sophomores. So I thought you didn't like a flower."  
I spoke with emphasis. "I like the flower as much as dogs."  
"Really? What kind of flower?"  
"Uh, like, the rose you're having now?"

"Then, will you have it?" Jongho handed the rose to me. 

I waved my hands. "No, keep it yours or give it to your girlfriend."  
"I want to give it to you, not my girlfriend."  
"Why?"

I could see the adam's apple moving once. Jongho's mouth opened. "You are my first love."

One word came up in my mind. _Hope._ Like all the circuits in a machine were broken, all the thoughts were cut off by that word. _Hope._ I felt ridiculous that I was such a simple person who could talk about it right away. But at the same time, I also knew that it was still far away from the reality I was standing with my foot.

"I know you've loved me."  
"Yes."   
"Are you still loving me? Tell me the truth." 

He showed a sign of hesitation for a moment but his answer was firm. "Yes." 

"Why didn't you confess to me earlier?"  
"Just, I thought it would be much better to keep the friendship. I didn't want to make you confused. If I told my whole heart, you might run away."  
"I don't and won't. I'm here now."  
"Thank you so much."

With some courage, I asked a question as if it were the last one, "If I have you in mind, will you be my boyfriend?"

At that moment, a guest came in. Jongho put down the rose in front of me. "Keep it yours." I, as if nothing happened, smiled at the guest. She ordered a caffe latte and I served it with a white lily. She was delighted. Until Jongho came in front of the counter, I didn't lose my smile. When I raised my head and looked him in the eyes, he wore a jacket to go out. His word silently fell into my ears. "Actually, we broke up yesterday. If you didn't take the rose, I would be lying to you to my last because I thought there's no possibility that you love me."

When I was out to send him, suddenly he grabbed my wrist and took me to the empty alley that was so narrow that only two people could be squeezed. His lips overlapped mine and, when his tongue licked my lower lip, I could hear the clear clink of a glass being broken. After the kiss, He cupped my cheeks and said, "It's real, not a daydream." I could see his reddish cheeks like mine.

What I did on that day was, after work, to visit a flower shop and buy a red rose. On my phone arrived his message, saying, "Do you have time tomorrow?" I looked at it several times, feeling keenly it was not an illusion and that I was free from the title, 'the onetime first love.'

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](https://loafer23.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thx:)


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